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December 15, 2010

I Will Never Wear a Tiara

mugI accept that life will smack me down when I need it. That I will be kept humble and it is a good thing. Life does you no favors when it lets you think you are a priceless princess who should wear tiaras. So I thank life and its little lessons. I really do.

But I've had a few lessons lately that seem unusually humiliating and on top of not having a steady job and income and no money for Christmas, etc., seem like overkill. I get it life, I'm just like everyone else and I should keep a sense of humor about me. But life, it is OK if things are not so friggin hilarious all the time!

We'll take last night to start with. I received a lovely gift basket for Christmas and after I had run around the house feeding everyone (except me) and doing evening tasks (close the blinds, turn on the lights, look at the mail, empty and load the dishwasher, fill the water jug for the dogs, etc. ) I decided to reward myself with a goodie. "Just a little sweet" I said. "Just a taste." So I picked out a rather small box that had a picture of two chocolate candies on the front. "Perfect! A couple of chocolates." The picture was gorgeous and showed one of the chocolates cut in half to demonstrate the delicious goodness inside the shell of the candy. Yum, yum, I couldn't wait!

So I sat down on the couch with my laptop and my kitty and my knitting right at my knee. I had worked all day, gotten everyone settled and taken care of and a chore or two done. I deserved this moment. Even in this moment I was going to pay a few bills and continue working on the Christmas presents I'm making. What a productive woman I am! But I get rewards. I'm not a marter. Here is my chocolate. I opened the box which had a foil packet inside. Everything in this gift basket has been in a foil packet so this does not set off any warning bells for me. I open the foil packet and then tip it over to drop the candies into my hand.

Instead of the candies they show on the box, I've just filled my hand with chocolate powder. "What the f***? What happened to the chocolate? Is it old?" I look at the box again. It has a picture of two pieces of chocolate and big letters that tell you how sumptuous and delicate it is. Then I see it. There, below the picture in little letters, "hot chocolate."

Has anyone ever told them a picture of a mug with a little steam coming up would represent their product better than a chocolate candy? "Criminey!" (only I didn't say criminey)

I've poured hot chocolate powder all over my hand, my lap, the couch, my cat, my laptop and cascaded it down into my knitting basket which is full of yarn. It doesn't really brush off so much as brush IN to the fabric. As I'm trying to get it off me and the cat the dogs come over to investigate and begin licking the couch. "This is awesome" I think. "I can laugh at this." I also now have to get up and get the vacuum and lose all hope of those relaxing moments on the couch before I start laundry, dishes, dinner, etc. Awesome.

That was last night. Today is a new day!

At work I have one of those laptop docks that lock. Work requires me to lock it and take the key. I always put my key in the same pocket. I'm absolutely anal about this because they give you little "tickets" here if they catch a security breach like the key in the dock and I know if I lose that key I'll have to spend the night at work. Not really but I'd have to admit to someone I'm a dumb ass and my life's mission is to admit that to as few people as possible. I think it is a pretty noble goal.

So this morning I dock my laptop and put the key in my pocket. A few hours later I realize my car keys are still in my pocket so I take them out and put them in my purse. I remember that yesterday I did the same thing which accidentally dragged my dock key with they car keys into my purse making me scramble frantically before I figured that out. So I check my pocket and, sure enough, no dock key. No problem, I just did the same thing as yesterday! I grab my purse, pull out the car keys and look. No dock key. I start searching my purse thinking the dock key might have dropped into another pocket or part of the purse. No dock key. Now I'm checking all pockets, the floor, the desk, the purse again, everywhere. I'm looking everywhere and can't find the dock key. I stand up and move around to see if I'm sitting on it, etc. No dock key.

I have no idea where this thing could have gone. I decide to go to the bathroom to check all my clothing. I go in the stall, check my pants waist band, my torso, etc. Nothing. At this point I figure going the bathroom isn't a bad idea and will give me time to think. I take the seat cover that ensures my fanny will not touch any area anyone else's fanny has touched. I place it on the seat. As I place the seat cover on the seat the dock key drops out of my right sleeve and into the toilet. I freeze.

I'm hoping that what just happened did not just happen. I'm also listening to the other person in the bathroom hoping they did not just hear that and instinctively know I just dropped something into the toilet. Because, ew, gross!

"What the hell?" I've checked everywhere and it was in my SLEEVE? The whole time? The pocket I keep my key isn't even on my right side so my friggin right sleeve never even went into my friggin pocket that held the dock key. Only I didn't say friggin.

I just stood in that stall for a few minutes thinking. Would they give me a new key? How many people would I have to admit this to to get a new key? Will anything else drop off my person? I finally yank my sleeves way up and just suck it up and stick my hand in the toilet to get the key. Which is, of course, way far into the toilet. I take the key and my cootie-ridden hand and wash everything like crazy. I hold the key all the way back to my desk because, clearly, I can't trust my pockets anymore.

I figure the only way to laugh at this situation is to share it with you. Otherwise I'll just sit here and feel ridiculous.

Wanna shake my hand?