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"I'm just a girl..."*

If you want to see steam come out my ears and watch me snort like a cartoon bull, just say something about me finding a man to take care of me.

No matter what I accomplish, no matter what I achieve and no matter how many people in my life I take care of, it is occasionally implied that members of my family would feel so much better when I find a man so I will have someone to look after me.

I don't know why this sets me off so bad. I swear, it truly has kept me single. I don't even share when I'm dating someone with my family because the minute I do I start to hear that kind of crap. I mean, seriously, they act RELIEVED when they hear I'm associating with a man and the helpful suggestions for nabbing him emerge. That is right about when I start to grind my teeth. I do a lot of secret dating.

I was talking to a family member the other day and she mentioned that her husband doesn't have much of an insurance policy and doesn't have a retirement plan for her. I guess he figures that his retirement will cover them both. I was fairly horrified and strongly encouraged her to meet with a financial planner to make sure she was taking care of this herself. She needs to have some kind of back up plan if he isn't around to take care of her or if what he has is insufficient. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of security her man has given her.

I have another family member whose husband is so socially inept we have traded stories about him for years. He provided financially but if it wasn't for her, I'm not sure he could have gone as far in his professional life, and he certainly wouldn't have any semblance of a loving family. How did her man give her security?

So, just from these relationships I started thinking. What are they talking about someone taking care of me? I'm not sure I have ever seen a relationship where the man was taking care of the woman. Over and over I see the woman taking care of the man and still having to take care of herself. I'm not implying that this situation is a burden. I just mean to point out...no one is going to take care of me. Ever. I may find someone to share my life with, which would be lovely. But why does the myth of the knight in shining armor persist?

I know I'm working out personal demons here and I can't make sweeping generalizations. I mean, from the familial examples alone I can see how I would start to formulate my "independent streak" and then using these same examples to support my views probably would indicate a narrow experience with relationships.

I was laying in bed last night and going through all the relationships around me and, consistently, I was unable to find one where "he" took care of "her." But you know, it is the women who are the ones that persist in encouraging me to find someone to "take care of me."

Is this mid-century myth wide-spread or is it just the people in my life that can't seem to let it go? And heaven help the poor shlub that wants to link his life to mine.

*Thank you No Doubt! May all women take the pink ribbon off their eyes.


You must have read my mind, before I posted it to my blog.

With all the confusion, lies, and lying-awake-at-night times, it's better to be alone.

This is one reason I strongly recommended the home-ownership thing for single women, even pre-license. If you must wait for your KISA, at least wait for him in your own home, building your own equity. Think of it as a dowry, if you must.

As for the taking-care-of part, I'm a lesbian, my opinions about men don't count. :D

I like them, though.

I think the married woman needs to take care of herself also. Not being an active participant in the planning and execution of your future is a ginormous gamble.

And I don't think the KISA is a male-dominated role. I think a lot of people fall into thinking they will be "saved" by a partner.

I honestly believe that I do more in my relationship than my KISA. He is, self-acknowledged, the worst possible match "on paper." My pre-Pumpkin list included smart, tall, good humor, and kind. I got a smart a$$, average height and girth, he is very good humored and his kindness is of a unique variety. I am responsible for all the money stuff and it's getting to a big burden for me. California cannot find our tax return, but they cashed the check, and we have to weekly document that we indeed did them and they they indeed did cash the check. First the state sent us both a letter. Then they sent me a letter about my W2. Next he got a letter about a 1099. I've sent three large packages of copies to three different state addresses. Oh, and don't get me started on local taxes.

What I need right now is a good accountant not a KISA.

Sorry to rant: I think you are perfectly lovely with your own company and do not need a man to be complete. Speaking from experience though, I recommend a sperm donor and great day care, before it gets too late.